Each week, Patch combs through the more shocking, surprising and often absurd alleged criminal acts and police-related incidents that unfold throughout New Jersey. Here’s what went on this week for “OMGs from NJ PD.”

I’m Not Lovin’ It: Here’s hoping the Union County Bomb Squad’s equipment includes gas masks. The bomb squad rushed to Garwood recently for a gag-inducing suspicious package at a McDonald’s that sent foul odors far and wide. Instead of a bomb, responders found a duffel bag of rancid meat. Before you go making Mickey D’s jokes, this meat medley of chicken and a roast more closely resembled someone’s very, very outdated Sunday dinner. Perhaps concerned that the festering food could still cause injuries, authorities shut down surrounding streets for about an hour.

Cinderella Suspect: Be on the lookout for an empty-handed barefoot bandit in Toms River. A suspected laptop thief not only dropped his loot, he also lost his shoes while fleeing from cops. We’d add some puns here, but the commenters already took care of it for us: Oh, the agony of de feet!

Flameout: Here’s one that makes a good case for New Jersey’s ban on personal fireworks. Not only did a Toms River homeowner allow friends to set off fireworks (strike one), the owner allowed them to do it on a dock. You know, a highly flammable, wooden dock (strike two.) Said homeowner then somehow failed to notice for hours that the dock was on a slow burn. Strike three—for ability to follow the law and for common sense.

Don’t Let Your Booty Ride on the Handlebars: It’s not just an alleged $41,000 in air-conditioner thefts that Camden’s Michael T. Klopp, 44, has to worry about. His getaway method also is under scrutiny. Car without plates? Inspection sticker outdated? Nope, Klopp got popped for improperly riding his bike. Let that be a lesson, folks. If you’re going to transport your (alleged!) stolen items on a bike, be sure you strap them into a safety seat first.

Bad News Bridge: It was just last week when we told you about a Chatham Borough bridge that keeps taking a beating from too-tall trucks trying to squeeze under the overpass. Well, here we go again. The overpass saw its fifth truck hit in six weeks, putting the score at Overpass: 5, Drivers Who Don’t Understand Height Limits: 0. At $85 a pop for careless driving tickets, at least the overpass is turning out to be a moneymaker for Chatham.